On the Heels of the Parent Summit

A couple of weeks ago we had a wonderful time at our Parent Summit. We discussed the teen culture of today, as well as speaking to the heart of the issues facing our families. We even had a bonus session on courtship vs. dating. In light of that, I came across this wonderful blog that should remind all of us the importance of the work of the Spirit of God in our child’s heart. I hope it blesses and encourages you. http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2011/08/30/do-not-neglect-the-holy-spirit-in-parenting/


Do Not Neglect the Holy Spirit in Parenting

“You have nothing to worry about with your kids,” she told me one day, “because you’re doing everything right.” These words from a pastor’s wife were meant to encourage but actually provoked more questions than answers. The women was well-meaning. She was saying there was no earthly way our kids could fail because my wife and I had been raised so well, we are grounded so deeply in our faith, and we subscribe to the “right” parenting techniques.

It was a lot of pressure. Our first daughter, Grace, had just turned 1. By all accounts we were doing a credible job. She was a good kid. The parental prophecy from our friend was often repeated in that first year of parenting. Dan and Angela are such great parents, aren’t they?

Fast forward two years and everything changed. Grace was in the throes of rebellion. Terrible 2s turned into terrible 3s. Even though our parenting paradigm had not changed, and we were subscribing to all of those same “right” methods, the same well-meaning women pulled my wife aside and issued an apocalyptic warning about Grace. If we didn’t “get her under control,” she’d end up profligate child. Then she named some infamous rebels we both knew well. Others told us that Grace was “going to end up in jail if we didn’t do something, that she was “one of the worst kids we’ve seen.” So in a matter of a few years we moved from parenting savants to parenting dunces.

In the years since, we’ve moved on. Looking back, that early criticism, while hurtful and often misguided, had elements of truth we adopted. We’ve matured and discovered additional techniques that have helped Grace grow into a delightful, radiant 6-year old girl.

While the advice we were given may be extreme and not normative for most parents, it does fit with a child-training paradigm that often seems more man-centered than Spirit-led.

Train Up a Child

If you were to survey evangelical parents and ask them to quote their foundational child-raising Scripture, the answer would likely be Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

This verse has become the basis for Christian parenting because we’ve been told, for generations now, that it is both a promise and a command. We think it’s a promise because it seems to guarantee success. The formula is rather simple: Do things God’s way and your kids will turn out right.

It’s also assumed to be a command. If your kids don’t turn out right, you must have disobeyed Scripture at some point. This has to be the case, because Scripture doesn’t lie, right?

Here’s the problem with this interpretation. It’s neither biblically accurate nor helpful. Worse yet, it has led to all kinds of unnecessary guilt on the part of Christian parents and perhaps led them to adopt a man-centered, results-oriented system for raising children.

Proverbs 22:6 is great wisdom. It’s in the inspired canon of Scripture. Still, the basic principles for biblical interpretation tell us to consider the genre. The proverbs are the best collection of wisdom anywhere in the world. They are thoughts from the Almighty on how to live and glorify God in the most practical areas of life. Ultimately they point us to Jesus Christ, the only one who perfectly illustrated the wise life. He is the wisdom of God personified (1 Cor. 1:24, 30; Col. 2:3).

While Proverbs are wisdom, they are not promises. Consider other well-known proverbs, such as Proverbs 15:1, which reminds us that a “gentle answer” turns away anger. This is generally true, but not always. I imagine that if I take my gentle answer to the gritty urban streets near where I live, my gentle answer might stir up wrath. Or consider Proverbs 17:17, which says a “friend loves at all times.” Generally speaking, you can count on your friends to love at all times. But then there are times when a friend betrays. Consider David’s words in Psalm 41:9: “Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.”

You could easily point out quite a few other instances where Proverbs taken as promises fall short of expectations. Which bring us back to Proverbs 22:6. To interpret this as biblical wisdom is, well, wise. Generally speaking, if you follow biblical parenting and discipleship models in the Scriptures, you’ll raise children who turn out well. But as a promise, this verse falls woefully short.

If Proverbs 22:6 were a promise (and by extension) a command, you have serious theological problems. God often referred to himself as the “parent” of the nation of Israel (Ex. 4:22-23; Jer. 3:19). And yet, you don’t have to be a Bible scholar to observe that Israel was a most rebellious child. Was God, therefore, a bad parent? Was Jesus a bad “parent” because Judas, one of his disciples, rejected him?

This illustrates the folly of such a formula-driven application of Proverbs 22:6. It reduces the Scriptures to a sanctified formula, a more spiritual-sounding version of Dr. Phil. This man-centeredness eliminates the only agent for human change: the Holy Spirit.

Enter the Holy Spirit

A better parenting paradigm is faithfulness-driven rather than results-led. Our role as parents is not to “produce” children who exhibit certain behavior criteria, but to be mere instruments in the Holy Spirit’s ongoing work in the heart of our children. We highly value and adhere to the wisdom of Proverbs, Deuteronomy, Hebrews, and other child-training passages in the Scriptures and realize only God transforms the hearts of our children.

Our first priority then becomes salvation, so the regenerating work of the Spirit can begin, both making the parenting job easier and also pointing toward lasting change. We look for signs of inner heart change rather than focusing primarily on external conformity.

I’ve seen this at work in my daughter, Grace. We believe she came to faith in Christ at the age of 5, not simply because she mouthed the “right words” in Awana or Sunday school, but because we have begun to witness the fruit of the Spirit’s work in her life. We often see this after she rebels. She has often approached us, many hours and even days after receiving discipline, and has expressed genuine remorse. We’ve also seen an increased hunger for spiritual content and recognition of theological ideas such as salvation, regeneration, and other aspects of the gospel message.

Recognition of the Holy Spirit’s pre-eminent role in changing hearts reshapes our parenting priorities. Removing the unnecessary weight of producing results helps us see our kids, not as a reflection of who we are, but as a unique creation in the image of the Creator. Instead of pushing our kids to abide by our standards as a way of conforming and producing their own righteousness, we might offer the disciplined life as gracious obedience to the Spirit, who empowers them to live the life of Christ.

Trinity Baptist's Parent Summit This Saturday!!!

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about Joshua Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and wrote about some things that, as parents, we really should consider. Let me reiterate, I am afraid the reason that often times we fail to come to Biblical conclusions is that we seldom ask the right questions. I know I never considered the idea of teaching my boys that there are actually alternatives to dating, until I heard of Joshua Harris. Even when I heard of him, initially my reaction was that this was just some guy who was pushing his conviction on the masses and he would probably garner a following or movement, but it would pass. However, as I became more educated as to the thinking regarding dating, I really began to ask myself questions like: “Why am I so closed to thinking another way about dating?” Well, when I gave an honest answer, it was because I dated and so did everyone else I knew. I really thought, “What was the harm?” After all, even though my boys were very young at the time, I already hoped that they would find a godly wife, and had, in fact, prayed for that from day one. So, how could they find a wife if they didn’t date? But, then I had to ask more probing questions like: “Was I, and the young ladies I dated, better Christians because of our date life?” I have to be honest; I wasn’t as consumed at that time with knowing Christ as much as I was getting to know and impress the young lady I was dating. Then, I asked myself, “Does the dating culture enhance or impede the purity of heart, soul, mind and body?” Honestly, as I look around at the present time, and think back to the Churches I have been a part of growing up, and I noticed that even relationships between godly young men and women will impede godliness as a general rule.


After answering those questions and dealing with some tough answers, I knew that I was blessed enough to gain this conviction prior to my boys even asking about dating. It was during this time, when they really had little interest in girls, that I wanted them to think through these questions Biblically. All of this to say, that regardless of where you are with your child, this Saturday will be an incredible opportunity do two things: (1) Open up communication about various topics: this will be the main topic as you and your kids will be together involved in fun interactive discussions. There will be an array of subjects, discussions and fun for the entire family. (2) In the bonus session Bro. Brad, Bro. Jeff and I will have an open discussion of what “courting” looks like and how it can be a reality, not a fantasy, in the life of your family and students.

You make time to take your kids to ball games, band, and a variety of other activities- make this a priority this Saturday - you will not regret it. Be at Trinity for this exciting event and expect God to do a great work in the life of your family.

By the way: I wanted to mention a very special event that will begin this Friday at our local football games and want to encourage all of our church members to participate in some way – it is our Desoto County 4 Prayer events. You can find out more about it on their Facebook page or their web-site here    http://desotocounty4prayer.deco-apparel.com/home/about

I am so thankful that we have many of our parents and students involved in this effort. May God be glorified through this!

Trinity Parent Summit

This month we will have a Parent Summit at Trinity for students and their parents! It will be an incredible day for all of our families, but I want to take today's blog and the next in order to specifically give some food for thought concerning our bonus conference during the Parent Summit.


Bro. Brad, Bro.Jeff and I will be covering the subject of Courting and discussing what this looks like in our day. If you are like me, when you first hear of "courting" you think of Andy, Aunt Bea and Opie. But it is actually a Christian alternative to dating. Now let me make myself clear - this is not a gospel issue or even fellowship issue, but it is a conviction issue and it should certainly be something that we think about. There are so many issues in our lives that we allow the world to dictate to us the way things should look - that we never take step back and ask "is this the best way for my child to be a godly husband or wife?" After all, isn't that what we are preparing our children for? I mean, it is our job to show them what marriage is, and what it means.

If you are like I was, I had never even heard of the idea of courting and I knew of Joshua Harris's book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but to be honest when it came out I simply dismissed it because of the title and because I have never really thought biblically about the idea of dating. I have taught the importance of purity to students for years, I have taught the importance of biblical manhood and womanhood to young people, but I never thought very much at all at the importance of guarding your heart until marriage. The idea that "young love" and "heart ache" is just part of growing up. But the question is...should I give my heart away in 5-7 relationships before I ever give my heart to my spouse? Even if two students are believers and they committed to purity and never to cross a line in their physical relationship (which is rare if they date any amount of time), how many emotional lines are crossed that our Lord only intends to be experienced in marriage? I want to show a little bit of my hand in the next blog for the Courting Session and bring up a few items for discussion that, regardless of what your convictions are, you need to think through these questions. But for the right now I want to bring up a few initial thoughts:

1) Does the way we date really prepare us for marriage? I dated, and the romantic feelings of new "love" was always fun, but when a "steady" relationship is formed, the tendency is to become consumed with this new interest in our life. I can count 5-7 long term relationships I had prior to meeting Michele, and the break ups that I initiated or received basically came when I found someone else I wanted to date, or because of some other selfish reason. Basically, I learned when things are too frustrating or fail to suit me, I can find someone else. Can I honestly say that having 5-7 "serious" relationships helped me be a better husband?

2) With regard to the way we "pick" who we date, does it promote a selfless, Christ-like love or is it usually selfish? I had a lot of friends in high school and to be honest, my friends had a lot of influence on who I dated. If they thought she was a pretty girl and it allowed me to gain approval it would work, however, if I tested the water and my friends laughed or said "Why would you ask her out?" I would have a change of heart. Basically, to steal an analogy from "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" I picked my girlfriend like I would pick a pair of jeans. How do they look? How do they make me look? Are they a popular pair? Do they make me comfortable? The central theme of dating becomes the concern for me. That is okay when we are dealing with jeans, but it is the opposite of Christ-like love when it comes to dating.

3) Why should I seek deep intimate commitment when I can not fulfill the role of commitment? I know when I dated I celebrated anniversary, I romanced, and with the exception of a physical relationship, we treated one another (and was treated) as a "couple." How can I play couple and act married when in truth, at 16 years old I can not make that type of commitment? When a student is in this type of relationship, it can isolate them from other vital relationships with other brothers and sisters in Christ that can in fact, enable them to be a better husband or wife down the road.

Again this is not a fellowship issue: it is not a salvation issue. But most parents have never thought through the potential dangers of dating the same way the world dates. But in truth, when our marriages end up much like the world, I think we should step back and at least ask some real questions. I hope to you see at the Parent Summit.