Last blog I mentioned the Parent Summit that will be taking place on August 27th. The Summit is for students and parents, but the focal point of this blog and the previous one was our “Post-Conference” that will be discussing the issue of courtship. I want to say, regardless of what your personal conviction is regarding this matter, I don’t think one would have to think too deeply to conclude that they way dating is set up in our society is something pretty modern from an historical standpoint, and something that few really think biblically about. I want to take some time to simply mention some points that Joshua Harris makes about some natural defects of dating and comment on them. We will discuss these in detail at our Summit.
1. Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship: Now, there are some relationships that are an exception to this, but few. If there is no friendship and everything begins and hinges on “romantic” or hormonal feelings, it would be really difficult to discern the character of that person. When I am more concerned with getting closer physically than getting to know them better and understanding them as a person, it can be problematic.
2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship with love: Love is a self-sacrificing commitment. When a physical relationship begins move to sinful areas it is always selfish. One is not looking for the best and desiring God’s best for the other, only that their own passions are met. A physical relationship can only skew things when determining love.
3. Dating isolates a couple from other vital relationships: I look at my life in high school, and even for a while in college, and found that at the time I really needed godly people in my life to walk with me, to hold me accountable and to confront sin - I was dating a girl and was consumed with developing a relationship that really helped me be a better boyfriend, but in truth never really enhanced me spiritually nor helped make me a better husband.
4. Dating can distract young people from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future: Serious dating does nothing to prepare someone to be a better spouse. The goal of all we do is to glorify God! The goal of our students should be to be conformed to the image of Christ so as adults they can be as arrows shot forth for the Kingdom of God. How does focusing on a few serious relationships during a 6-8 year period enhance this?
5. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness: The majority of our children will grow up and be married, but they are single for a time. They are single because there are some things they can learn. They are single to use this energy in multiple godly relationships with both sexes and to be involved in multiple areas of service in the Kingdom. There is nothing wrong with ball, band or any other activities as long as they become activities and not “jobs” and/or “gods.”
6. Dating can create an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character: My wife and I regularly go out on dates. It may or may not be a “big-to-do” but nevertheless, we enjoy taking a break from life. No cooking, no cleaning up, and usually for a short while, we are alone with no kids. It is a moment in time that gives us a break from real life. But when a dating relationship consists of…well, dates, - then everything is built around pretending to be something he/she are not. One thing they are pretending to be many times is married. They celebrate “special dates,” they romance things up and, many times all of this is promoted by parents who, for some reason become completely oblivious to what they are doing. The dating scene is not the best arena to teach about marriage, because it is artificial by nature.
7. Dating can often become an end in itself: What should be the goal of dating? Is it to find out who you want to marry? If this is so, do you really want your 14 year old princess to be a fiancé right now? If not, then what is she really trying to find out? Is it to have fun? Certainly it can be fun, but is it less fun for 7 Christian students to out than it is for two? Is it just to date? If that is your goal then it becomes the end in itself, and if this happens when does it stop? Is there a magic age when you just turn that thought off and say to yourself after 7 years of just dating to have fun, now I need to hunt for a spouse?
Again, these are just questions that, if you are like me, prior to really thinking through this biblically they never occurred to me. An alternative was never presented to me and if it was sprung on me at age 15 or 16, I would have hated it. Now, you are probably saying “So why torture your children?” - Because from about age 10, this has been taught to them, and the older they have become, the deeper our discussions have gone. Also, thank the Lord we have many parents today that see there are good, healthy, alternatives… and thankfully, wonderful books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl and so many more that help parents really think this through. If you disagree with this, come and discuss it at the conference – Again, there is nothing in the Bible that prohibits dating, but there are countless verses to warn us against conducting our lives they same way the world does. So, at the very least we need to ask ourselves how our child’s relationships will be different than the worlds’.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Trinity Parent Summit
This month we will have a Parent Summit at Trinity for students and their parents! It will be an incredible day for all of our families, but I want to take today's blog and the next in order to specifically give some food for thought concerning our bonus conference during the Parent Summit.
Bro. Brad, Bro.Jeff and I will be covering the subject of Courting and discussing what this looks like in our day. If you are like me, when you first hear of "courting" you think of Andy, Aunt Bea and Opie. But it is actually a Christian alternative to dating. Now let me make myself clear - this is not a gospel issue or even fellowship issue, but it is a conviction issue and it should certainly be something that we think about. There are so many issues in our lives that we allow the world to dictate to us the way things should look - that we never take step back and ask "is this the best way for my child to be a godly husband or wife?" After all, isn't that what we are preparing our children for? I mean, it is our job to show them what marriage is, and what it means.
If you are like I was, I had never even heard of the idea of courting and I knew of Joshua Harris's book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but to be honest when it came out I simply dismissed it because of the title and because I have never really thought biblically about the idea of dating. I have taught the importance of purity to students for years, I have taught the importance of biblical manhood and womanhood to young people, but I never thought very much at all at the importance of guarding your heart until marriage. The idea that "young love" and "heart ache" is just part of growing up. But the question is...should I give my heart away in 5-7 relationships before I ever give my heart to my spouse? Even if two students are believers and they committed to purity and never to cross a line in their physical relationship (which is rare if they date any amount of time), how many emotional lines are crossed that our Lord only intends to be experienced in marriage? I want to show a little bit of my hand in the next blog for the Courting Session and bring up a few items for discussion that, regardless of what your convictions are, you need to think through these questions. But for the right now I want to bring up a few initial thoughts:
1) Does the way we date really prepare us for marriage? I dated, and the romantic feelings of new "love" was always fun, but when a "steady" relationship is formed, the tendency is to become consumed with this new interest in our life. I can count 5-7 long term relationships I had prior to meeting Michele, and the break ups that I initiated or received basically came when I found someone else I wanted to date, or because of some other selfish reason. Basically, I learned when things are too frustrating or fail to suit me, I can find someone else. Can I honestly say that having 5-7 "serious" relationships helped me be a better husband?
2) With regard to the way we "pick" who we date, does it promote a selfless, Christ-like love or is it usually selfish? I had a lot of friends in high school and to be honest, my friends had a lot of influence on who I dated. If they thought she was a pretty girl and it allowed me to gain approval it would work, however, if I tested the water and my friends laughed or said "Why would you ask her out?" I would have a change of heart. Basically, to steal an analogy from "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" I picked my girlfriend like I would pick a pair of jeans. How do they look? How do they make me look? Are they a popular pair? Do they make me comfortable? The central theme of dating becomes the concern for me. That is okay when we are dealing with jeans, but it is the opposite of Christ-like love when it comes to dating.
3) Why should I seek deep intimate commitment when I can not fulfill the role of commitment? I know when I dated I celebrated anniversary, I romanced, and with the exception of a physical relationship, we treated one another (and was treated) as a "couple." How can I play couple and act married when in truth, at 16 years old I can not make that type of commitment? When a student is in this type of relationship, it can isolate them from other vital relationships with other brothers and sisters in Christ that can in fact, enable them to be a better husband or wife down the road.
Again this is not a fellowship issue: it is not a salvation issue. But most parents have never thought through the potential dangers of dating the same way the world dates. But in truth, when our marriages end up much like the world, I think we should step back and at least ask some real questions. I hope to you see at the Parent Summit.
Bro. Brad, Bro.Jeff and I will be covering the subject of Courting and discussing what this looks like in our day. If you are like me, when you first hear of "courting" you think of Andy, Aunt Bea and Opie. But it is actually a Christian alternative to dating. Now let me make myself clear - this is not a gospel issue or even fellowship issue, but it is a conviction issue and it should certainly be something that we think about. There are so many issues in our lives that we allow the world to dictate to us the way things should look - that we never take step back and ask "is this the best way for my child to be a godly husband or wife?" After all, isn't that what we are preparing our children for? I mean, it is our job to show them what marriage is, and what it means.
If you are like I was, I had never even heard of the idea of courting and I knew of Joshua Harris's book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but to be honest when it came out I simply dismissed it because of the title and because I have never really thought biblically about the idea of dating. I have taught the importance of purity to students for years, I have taught the importance of biblical manhood and womanhood to young people, but I never thought very much at all at the importance of guarding your heart until marriage. The idea that "young love" and "heart ache" is just part of growing up. But the question is...should I give my heart away in 5-7 relationships before I ever give my heart to my spouse? Even if two students are believers and they committed to purity and never to cross a line in their physical relationship (which is rare if they date any amount of time), how many emotional lines are crossed that our Lord only intends to be experienced in marriage? I want to show a little bit of my hand in the next blog for the Courting Session and bring up a few items for discussion that, regardless of what your convictions are, you need to think through these questions. But for the right now I want to bring up a few initial thoughts:
1) Does the way we date really prepare us for marriage? I dated, and the romantic feelings of new "love" was always fun, but when a "steady" relationship is formed, the tendency is to become consumed with this new interest in our life. I can count 5-7 long term relationships I had prior to meeting Michele, and the break ups that I initiated or received basically came when I found someone else I wanted to date, or because of some other selfish reason. Basically, I learned when things are too frustrating or fail to suit me, I can find someone else. Can I honestly say that having 5-7 "serious" relationships helped me be a better husband?
2) With regard to the way we "pick" who we date, does it promote a selfless, Christ-like love or is it usually selfish? I had a lot of friends in high school and to be honest, my friends had a lot of influence on who I dated. If they thought she was a pretty girl and it allowed me to gain approval it would work, however, if I tested the water and my friends laughed or said "Why would you ask her out?" I would have a change of heart. Basically, to steal an analogy from "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" I picked my girlfriend like I would pick a pair of jeans. How do they look? How do they make me look? Are they a popular pair? Do they make me comfortable? The central theme of dating becomes the concern for me. That is okay when we are dealing with jeans, but it is the opposite of Christ-like love when it comes to dating.
3) Why should I seek deep intimate commitment when I can not fulfill the role of commitment? I know when I dated I celebrated anniversary, I romanced, and with the exception of a physical relationship, we treated one another (and was treated) as a "couple." How can I play couple and act married when in truth, at 16 years old I can not make that type of commitment? When a student is in this type of relationship, it can isolate them from other vital relationships with other brothers and sisters in Christ that can in fact, enable them to be a better husband or wife down the road.
Again this is not a fellowship issue: it is not a salvation issue. But most parents have never thought through the potential dangers of dating the same way the world dates. But in truth, when our marriages end up much like the world, I think we should step back and at least ask some real questions. I hope to you see at the Parent Summit.
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