Great Advice for Our Parents at TBC

I love the Raising Godly Children blog. It gives great advice and when I come across something that is so helpful to parents, I want to make sure I get it to you. Hope this helps all of us in some way.

http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2013/05/kids-in-pornified-culture.html?spref=tw

Kids in a Pornified Culture

A recent article in The Telegraph highlights the tragic symptoms of a disease that's infecting our worldwide culture. The piece focuses mainly on teenagers and the dysfunction that has become normative in their lifestyles as a result of consuming porn.

 

In light of this, how can parents raise children in a pornified culture? Here are eight suggestions for this ever-increasing problem. 

1. Aim to give our kids a huge view of God who is gloriously delightful.

We can't simply tell our kids to stop doing certain behaviors; we must also teach them to delight in what God has made. I've been trying to make a discipline of pointing out all the good in God's creation. A few weeks ago it was a blessing to watch my two older kids spend hours picking the wild raspberries that grow in their grandma and grandpa's huge backyard. They need to be reminded of God's goodness in giving us such amazing created blessings, like raspberries. If we're not careful, we can become functional gnostics (flesh and matter are bad; only what's "spiritual" has value) in our communication about sexual ethics with our kids. A helpful verse for them to memorize is 1 Timothy 4:4.

In short, I want my kids to know that sexual perversion is the height of idolatry (Rom. 1), but also that sexual integrity is the height of beauty. This demands we talk about it, probably more than we're comfortable with or experienced when we were kids. But it's a new world, and a new world demands new communication to train our children.

2. Teach them the gospel. Our kids are spring-loaded legalists.

They have to see us model gospel truth through active repentance and forgiveness. They have to know their acceptance before God isn't based on their performance, but on Christ's. They have to know their standing as a family member doesn't depend on their obedience, though their standing does imply a certain type of living.

For example, when we're disciplining our kids we often say, "Since you're a member of this family and since I love you so much, you will not do this." Consider the difference from saying, "If you want me to love you and if you want to keep living in this house, you better stop doing this." The indicatives of our faith must precede and inform the imperatives. Don't reverse the order.

3. Teach them that boundaries bring freedom and obedience is a blessing.

When I was a kid I thought if I screwed up, God was going to whack me with a big stick. No one ever taught me this, but it's what I felt. Obedience wasn't motivated by love, but fear of punishment. This didn't get me very far.

When my kids are age appropriate I plan to communicate that sexual sin will never provide the freedom we crave. They can choose to reap the harmful consequences of disobedience, but I'll warn them from Scripture and experience that they don't want to start down that path. Obedience leads to blessing.

4. Talk to them sooner than later about sex and internet porn.

When I was 8, I remember going next door to our neighbor's garage. Like any curious kid, I enjoyed snooping around a bit. I soon discovered he had boxes full of pornographic magazines. Sometimes a friend and I would sneak over there, grab a few, and go sit in the bushes to look at the naked women. Back then, this risky endeavor filled my stomach with butterflies for fear of getting caught by my parents or the neighbor. But all you need today is a closed door and an internet connection. The vilest perversion imaginable is only two clicks away.

We must communicate in general terms what's available and why it's so destructive. Some would contend this discussion will just stir up their curiosity, but what's the alternative? I'd rather have them be warned by me so I can offer reasons and means to fight than to have them innocently stumble on pornography someday on the internet.

5. Begin to train your kids how to interact with the opposite sex.

We've already started to "date" our kids. We feel it's crucial for them, at an early age, to begin experiencing what it's like to be treated well by a member of the opposite sex. Especially for girls, a lack of healthy male attention from dad will often prompt them to seek it in unhealthy ways from younger men more than happy to provide it. My boys need to learn women aren't objects to be consumed but image-bearers of God to be loved.

6. Guard who your kids spend time with.

Since sexual exposure is much more accessible today than 25 years ago, we're much more aware of whom our children spend time with. There will come an age (sooner than I'd like to think about) when we won't be able to guard them as tightly, but hopefully the foregoing points will have taken root in their lives such that they'll be equipped to make wise decisions.

Be careful, though, you don't take this too far and communicate an unhealthy fear of unbelievers. The older our kids get, the more we have to let them go and pray our training has taken root. There's really no other choice. We must train our kids so they're sheltered enough to be age-appropriately safe but informed enough to make wise decisions on their own. Just don't hide your kids behind the fortress of your supervision until they're 18.

This demands great wisdom. There's no manual. We must be parents of prayer.

7. Guard the computer and turn off the television.

We have Covenant Eyes on all our computers and, via the AppleOS, our children can only access the websites we've approved. Certainly this will change as they get older, but hopefully they will have internalized the gospel and tasted the blessings of obedience.

Victory over porn is finally a heart issue, but that doesn't mean we should forsake preventative structures. You'd never say, "I want to know my obedience is motivated by more than just following the right rules, so I'm going to dive into unwise situations to see if I'm strong enough to withstand sin!" That's absurd (1 Cor. 10:12-13). We need right hearts so as not to be legalists, but right boundaries can help us taste the blessing of obedience.

The TV will show your kids functional soft porn all the time. There are countless better things to do with your kids than watch TV. Read with them, play sports with them, enjoy creation with them, tell them a story, or just serve them in an activity of their choice. The key phrase here is with them. If they spend more time with the TV than with you, you're all in trouble.

8. Seek to cultivate a relationship with your kids such that they feel they can be open with you about anything.

As a young dad, I'm not totally sure how to make this happen, but I know it'll come through modeling openness. I try to draw out their hearts and show them that if they're honest with me, I'll be fair, loving, and compassionate. If they see me as guarded and reserved, why would I expect them to be any different?

Last, do you ever repent in front of your kids? If they never see you repent, what makes you think they'll come to you for help after seeing internet porn for the first time? Modeling repentance for our kids is probably the quickest way to show we believe the gospel and are a safe refuge in the midst of their sin.

Zach Nielsen (@znielsen) is one of the pastors at The Vine Church in Madison, Wisconsin, where he serves in the areas of preaching, leadership development and music. He is a graduate of the University of Northern Iowa and Covenant Theological Seminary and blogs at Take Your Vitamin Z.

A GLIMPSE INTO MY SOUL:

Recently, I officially passed 40 and turned 41 years old. Although I never watched the show “30 Something” I remember seeing it advertised and thinking who would ever watch a show about people that are that old. I have always heard it said that, “age is just a number” but the only people who say that are old, so I have avoided that statement. After all, I have never heard a 20 year old say: “20! Wow, it’s just a number: I felt so much younger than that.” No, only when the reality of age hits us do we start saying that “41 is the new 21.”  Here is a news flash...it’s not the new anything! 

But, much of this is jest: age has never bothered me. I guess being a Pastor has helped that. I remember being a Sr. Pastor at 23 years old and wishing people would just see me as older.   Well, I am no longer called a "young Pastor"  so I got my wish.  But, with more age I pray has come more wisdom, a deeper understanding of doctrine and shifting of my views on some things. 

One of these lessons I want to mention, God has worked on only recently in my life. I have learned so much from godly men in my life that were older who simply invested in me in some way or another. The one thing that I was told consistently without any exception was that as a Pastor you just Can Not have close friends, especially in the church where you Pastor. From a practical standpoint this makes perfect sense: it is supposed to keep you from having to choose to be a Pastor or friend, it guards your family, it keeps you on task. For most of my ministry I have tried to live this way.  Naturally, I always had some people I was closer to than others, but I have always stayed on guard even with them. The constant difficulty I had was I knew in my heart that I would never give any other Christian this advice.  In fact, it was the opposite advice of what I gave at Church:  I would tell our members to pour their life into others, that church is "life on life". 

I was raised in a Pastors home and, while no home is perfect, our home sought to honor God. The difficulty was that my ecclesiology in my teaching and doctrine was not consistent with what I was doing, and that created a dilemma. I knew that if I invited people into my life it opened me and my family up to being hurt by someone.  I also knew as I looked at my life and how people tried to hurt my family, people that knew absolutely nothing about me and that I couldn’t pick out of a line up, that this vulnerability would cost. But in fact, I found that there were wicked people that didn’t know me, that would try to hurt people and wicked people that did know me, that tried to hurt people. One thing I did notice though, many of those that knew me and I had walked through things with them, they loved me at the best of times and worst of times. I was convinced that part of my calling was to live somewhat in isolation, and this was to be a mature self- sacrificing choice. But, as I doctrinally looked at this “choice” I couldn’t justify it biblically.  Do I really believe that every member of the body of Christ needs the body? Then from a biblical standpoint could I find a reason why I was excluded in this? Again, practically all the arguments ran through my head, from hurting church members feelings, to people thinking I was playing favorites to whatever else I was told by countless people through the years, but what constantly kept coming to mind was “if I would be willing to lay down my life for these people, if I must be willing to feed them, love them and answer to God for them, I not only have to know them, but they have to know me.” Sure not all of them will know me the same way, but they had to know me.

I would hear of the Puritan Pastors that were willing to invite men over to their house in order to model leading their family worship. I think of Christ who had deep open friendships with 12 guys and brought them in, knowing all of them would walk away in His darkest hour and one would have a hand in His murder! You don’t get more betrayed than Jesus and, knowing it was coming, He did it anyway. So, where did this leave me...us? Well, it led to me learning and leading my family in how to do this. I know to most this is probably something you had to learn in Pre-K and I did as well, but it is something I was willing to "sacrifice" for the call God put on my life. So, something I saw as a sacrifice was in fact, contrary to what God taught and what I would proclaim from the pulpit. In short, the catalyst for change was thinking through my own preaching, and reading books about the church and being a Pastor (Dangerous Calling by Tripp is outstanding in regard to this subject). I think the greatest help I have received is the way our sweet people that now call me Pastor have loved and trusted me, and a staff who is biblically rooted and are all on the same page. God used the preaching of His Word, the work of His servants and grace of the body I am apart of to begin teaching me a lesson that most of my congregation understands far better than I. We have friends that love us in spite of us (mainly in spite of me). We have friends that see us, warts and all, that are gracious and precious. In fact, the love that has been shown to my family has made me a better pastor: it has allowed me to love as more than a pastor, but also as a friend. It has allowed people to confront me as their brother and friend and not always as complaining to the "Pastor". It has allowed us to experience fun and joy which I thought for the sake of my "calling" I wasn't allowed to experience.  In truth, this prohibition was a form of self preservation and the fear of man. My family has people that we love like family, that we care for and long to serve - that is what the church should look like. Thanks for your patience with this 40 something preacher; I truly love you. My friendships may not always "look right" from your perspective but we are learning... at least God has given me friends but more importantly, He has given me a church family.

C. S. Lewis:

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change.

It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.
The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

—C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (New York: Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich, 1960), 169-170