Marriage

I try to post Biblical reflections on marriage, whether it is from a youtube clip, from another blog or from my personal study. When I came across this from Ben Boyd’s face book page, I found it to be extremely Biblical and encouraging. I hope it blesses you!




Marriage: The Happy, Holy, Beautiful Mess

Matt Johnson » God Marriage Dating Complementarian Gospel Sin

Ever hear the old adage: “Marriage isn’t primarily intended for your happiness, but for your holiness?”


Well, it’s true and it’s a glorious thing.The growing in holiness part doesn’t always seem blissful. But it means that God isn’t finished with you yet, either. The purpose and hope in marriage isn’t defined by you or your spouse, but by God.


The Bride & Groom’s Sinister Minister

Its summer time and that means one thing: wedding season. Well, summertime also means BBQs, beach vacations, and sunburns, but let's talk about weddings. I’m no veteran, but of the five or so years I’ve been a pastor, I’ve had the privilege of officiating a handful of weddings. It's fun to be part of a couple’s huge life event. Two lives come together in the sight of God, family, and friends; it's a pretty big deal. I love the excitement of it all and the awkward amusement of watching the controlling mother-in-law fiascos behind the scenes. And selfishly speaking, I’m always up for the self-restraint exercise that performing a wedding entails. Allow me to explain...

My wife and I have this unofficial tradition in the car as we’re driving on the way to weddings. We’ll be driving in silence when out of the corner of my eye, I’ll see her smirk. Then in unison we both burst out in our best impersonation of a sinister sort of laugh,

“MWAHAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAA...!”

There is a singular, profound meaning to this shared laugh. You see, the couple that’s about to get married has no idea what they’re in for. The self-restraint part for me is not laughing sinisterly during the ceremony. If I did, I’m sure it’d be misunderstood.

After the wedding, many couples forget that God is still up to good even when things don’t seem good between the couple. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Get that? ALL things. Including trivial frustrations involving toilet seats and dirty laundry on the floor as well as decades long disagreements and everything in between. Take a breath. ALL things.

What They Don’t Tell You: Matrimony = Spiritual Surgery

To paraphrase my good buddy Pastor Phil Smidt, you can find all kinds of info online for “wedding planning.” But try typing in “marriage planning” and Google gets confused. No doubt, wedded bliss is a beautiful thing. Enjoy it. Just don’t panic when you realize that sometime between saying your vows and after you get home from the honeymoon (maybe during), there will be a clash of wills and most certainly disagreements. And not the cutesy, romantic comedy type that resolve in a half-hour either. When the inevitable tensions rise, there is an insidious temptation in these moments. You’ll want to check out, hold a grudge, or demand your “me time.” But this is the Great Physician’s surgery prep and you’re slated for a spiritual operation asap.

Spouse Fixer Is Not Your Job Description

Years ago I received some simple, wise advice that is highly applicable to marriage. Here it is: You can’t change people. That’s up to the Holy Spirit. Facing dilemmas in marriage is a fact of life and many times there are no clear answers. But remember, the dilemma is a gift. Because when you’re at a standstill, in a disagreement, or lacking resources, you are put into a place of dependence: dependence on Jesus. And this is the best place to be.

So here’s a word specifically for the guys in the room: sometimes you just can’t fix it. All you can do is step forward in faith with Jesus at the center of your family. The ultimate goal is not for you to be a hero husband or dad; the goal is pointing your family continuously back to the good news of what Jesus has done. This can be done in the midst of disagreement and the unknowns of life. In faith, you can walk into the unknowns with confidence that God is not finished yet.

“ You can’t change people. That’s up to the Holy Spirit."



Neighbor Love 101 and Little Marriage Annoyances

When our marriages become about telling our stories instead of God's, we’ve got it completely backwards. The temptation is either to live for personal fulfillment through your spouse or to get stuck in a sort of hand-wringing self-involvement over how you’re going to be a better spouse. Both sides of the coin are selfish. This may seem like a rabbit trail but the summation of God’s law comes to mind here. Just stick with me and you’ll see what I mean.

What is the greatest of the commandments? To love God with your whole heart, soul, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself (Mt 22:36-40). I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly encouraged by this summation. Because I know I’ve failed at it miserably. Heart, soul, mind, strength. Have I ever done even a single one of these perfectly one day in my life? No. And neither have you. Okay, how about love your neighbor as yourself? Well, come to think of it, my next door neighbor has been pretty annoying lately with his 7am lawn mowing. I’d have to admit that when I come home from work and he’s in his front yard, I avoid eye contact. So....yeah, no. I haven’t loved my neighbor as myself. And who is more like a neighbor than your spouse? Loved them as you love yourself? Perfectly? Everyday?

The Requirement of Perfection In Marriage

See, you and your spouse need much more than improvement. God requires perfection (Mt. 5:48). And we’ve easily dismantled the notion that you or I are perfect. So where do we get that required perfection? Jesus. We need His perfection and a foundation of forgiveness and absolution in our marriages. Marriage trouble has less to do with he said, she said, he did, she did and more to do with what God has already done in Jesus. We have everything we truly need in Jesus; we just forget as we busy ourselves telling our story by pointing to our hard work (or failure), our good moral record, or super-spouse self-image. Marriage is not about what we accomplish or even hope to accomplish. All life flows from Him in a worshipful response to what He has done that works itself out first and foremost in neighborly love to our spouses.

“ It is beautiful. Not because it’s about your story or mine, but because it’s about God's. ”

Grace Amidst Failure

As has already been clearly stated here, the Christian life is less about the upward progressing staircase of personal potential building (i.e. building a perfect marriage) and more about returning again to the cross where we tell it like it is. We all have failed at loving our neighbor. When we turn to God for grace and forgiveness, we are empowered to love our neighbor the way that God wills. Now you don’t have to live for spouse approval or grovel when you fail because you are already infinitely loved, forgiven, and accepted in Christ. Once you realize this (and RE-realize this) you’re free to love your spouse no matter what.

Beauty Amidst the Mess

My beautiful wife and I have been married ten years. We’re not veterans but we’re not exactly beginners either. Here’s one profound, awe-inspiring, worshipful truth that we’re beginning to learn along the way: Marriage isn’t primarily about the love story that exists between us, but it's about what God has done in love to involve us in His story.

There’s a whole lot of happiness to be had in marriage. But God-wrought holiness does not always come easily or feel happy—at times, it feels more like a mess. But it is beautiful. Not because it’s about your story or mine, but because it’s about God's.

Thank God for Ed Welch

I admire Ed Welch, a great brother in Christ and counselor who received his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. I first encountered him by reading his book When People Are Big and God Is Small. Below is a great blog he wrote that deals with some recent scientific findings. I hope it gives you great perspective!

My Brain Made Me Do It?

Today’s technology is providing new windows into brain functioning.

Now we can volunteer to have our brains digitally observed by laying in a scanning device and thinking about something. Meanwhile, a researcher watches our brain in action. Think about a math problem and one part of the brain goes into a frenzy while other parts are dormant. Think about sex and a different area of the brain lights up while the logical, executive functions of the frontal lobe fall asleep. This research is fascinating, and it drives me crazy. It is being used to suggest that morality—sin and obedience—is ultimately caused by our brains.

It's Not Me, It's My Brain

This is most apparent in discussions about addiction. If your behavior releases endorphins, and you really like that endorphin high, then your endorphins made you addicted. If your behavior excites a pleasure circuit in the brain, then who are you to be able to say no to those neuronal reverberations? This is hogwash.



This Does Not Necessarily Equal That

Statistics 101 teaches there is a difference between discovering how two things might be related and discovering what causes what effect. For example, height and weight are related. Taller people tend to weigh more than shorter people. But that doesn’t mean if you gain weight you will get taller. A direct relationship between two things is not the same as a causal correlation. That’s why it took so long to put warnings on cigarette packages. Early on, the relationship was obvious, but it took years of research to demonstrate conclusively that cigarette smoking could actually cause lung caner.

Your Actions Are More Than Brain Synapses

We are taught there is a connection between brain activity and thoughts. This, of course, we knew all along. From a biblical view of a person, we can predict that every thought can be observed biologically. We are created by God as embodied. Given enough technological sophistication, we could find neurons connected to every thought, every memory, every desire. That, however, does not mean, "my brain made me do it".

“ Since our culture doesn’t understand both prongs of sin, it must look to the brain in order to make sense of being out-of-control and dominated by passions. ”

When you read articles and books that attribute moral behavior to the brain, the writer is looking for a definitive proof—text to make his or her point. The writer is not citing any credible science.

Your Brain on Sin

Of course, there is a legitimate message in this literature. People who struggle with addiction have always said they feel out-of-control. The popular diagnosis of sin is that it is deliberate and intentional. Sin, however, is intentional and enslaving. Sin says that addicts do what they want, but they are also tragically bound to their despotic desires. Since our culture doesn’t understand both prongs of sin, it must look to the brain in order to make sense of being out-of-control and dominated by passions.